Worry, Or…

 

(self portrait with the myriad simultaneous perhaps unthinkable)

Lesser Ritual – written by the poet as a young woman, c. Easter 1990

 𝕷𝖊𝖘𝖘𝖊𝖗 𝕽𝖎𝖙𝖚𝖆𝖑

𝔟𝔶 𝔧𝔬𝔥𝔞𝔫𝔫𝔞 𝔉𝔞𝔲𝔰𝔱

extant via : #APAtheosis, a #nyc& #santacruz #AmateurPressAlliance #photocopy #zine

c. Easter 1990

(never before seen online)

In Honor of The Great .'. Work.'. 

That It Be Accomplished.

Twitter Husbandry, Or, Follow Back Pls

 

Twitter Husbandry

Or, Follow Back Pls

(a reply in imperfect rhyming verse)

by a female Faust

“WILL WRITE FOR SHORT-LIVED ADORATION”. —@TimCushing

O you who would've yet writing 

been to accrue more of such adoration

as when dies as it must 

lays the next moment hollow

too few new could've that insight 

seen, as we do, for as much sustentation

—alike apprizing, I trust, 

may context merit a follow

Initiation, Or The Mystery Of The House Of God

 

a poem by a Faust: 

Initiation 

or, the Mystery of the House of God 

& when at last i hold the key 

after searching, & searching, & feeling lost 

i wonder was it wrong of me 

to value thresholds never crossed 

& when at last i try the lock 

without once stopping thinking twice 

i find i barely had to knock 

in fact a whisper would suffice 

& when — at last — an opened door — 

no more of would or could or might 

i wonder what i waited for 

Time is & always has been right 

& when, at last, my steps are through 

no failing -- no trying -- 

no fear 

no fear 

i find i only needed to 

to see a thing familiar here. 

written over the course of more than a decade, 

beginning circa 1991 

𝐒𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐎𝐟 𝐀 𝐌𝐨𝐨𝐧𝐝𝐚𝐲 𝐂𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝 𝐂𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐝 (𝑶𝒓, 𝑰𝒔 𝑭𝒂𝒊𝒓𝒆 𝑰𝒇 𝑰𝒔) : 𝑎 𝑓𝑎𝑖𝑟 𝑒𝑡𝑎𝑖𝑙 𝑏𝑦 𝑎 𝐹𝑎𝑢𝑠𝑡

 

Song Of A Moonday Child Called

(Or, Is Faire If Is)

a fair etail by a Faust

 

Alone 

We must dream as we're waiting

Alone 

But we live as we're dreaming

Alone 

All one day after living

Alone 

Do we live as we dream

Child of the Night, 

Daughter of the Moon, 

Wandering all alone, 

Growing up too soon

She learns how to feel, how spaces exquisite unfold

Just between your eyes, or down around your heart,

Catches when too shallow breathing is caught up in your throat 

Half-lost she listens for where thunder's expected

She fast hears that all-zu-menschliches rhythm detected

But transposed strangely has stranger & stranger become

It makes her own heart beat colder

Alone 

She once left to be leaving

Alone 

She has been into being

Alone 

She is seen to be seeming

Alone 

(Iamoknowhereshow)  

& so by this Imagination, measure well 

(Iamoknowhereshow)  

By how much it echoes fainter

(Iamoknowhereshow)  

By that much feel it stronger

(Iamoknowhereshow)  

Should she rest for a while 

(Iamoknowhereshow)  

At the side in your heat

(Iamoknowhereshow)  

Could confessions beguile

(Iamoknowhereshow)  

(held fast she'll confide, 

(Iamoknowhereshow)  

Let loose she'll retreat)

(Iamoknowhereshow)

Child of the Night, 

Daughter of the Moon, 

Wandering all alone, 

Growing up too soon 

(Iamoknowhereshow) 

Because your world is round, 

(Iamoknowhereshow) 

or still, it notices 

(Iamoknowhereshow) 

her turning & returning

(Iamoknowhereshow)  

advises her vices

(Iamoknowhereshow) 

Tossed before them, hurled, 

(Iamoknowhereshow) 

it will have her

(Iamoknowhereshow) 

Perhaps conceal 

(Iamoknowhereshow) 

but what concerns her

Sometimes return 

but what reveals her

Alone 

She once left to be leaving

Alone 

She has been into being

Alone 

She is seen to be seeming

Alone 

Child of the Night, 

Daughter of the Moon, 

Wandering all alone, 

Growing up too soon

Alone 

We must dream as we're waiting

Alone 

But we live as we're dreaming

Alone 

All one day after living

Alone 

Do we live as we dream

Do we live as we dream

Do we live as we dream

Alone

To A Sweet Youth, Or, You Have No Idea

 

To A Sweet Young Man 

Or, You Have No Idea

How things seem changed to me

Contexts conspire, rearrange the way i see 

the things i saw not them but i 

have been redrawn, prioritized, & i 

- i do not think myself (thank God) unwilling 

Like some grown up Wendy Darling, 

to question why, but wonder — comparable?

I ask the opened window — am I able? 

Peter, neither cruel nor heartless, wonders why

I think I’m too stiff & weak & heavy to fly

Be seeing you.

I Replicant, Or, Like Tears In Rain

(original image view here)

…Be seeing you.

For My Godmother Revised, With Roses — A Sonnet By A Faust

 

Sonnet for my Godmother (perhaps unfinished)

Neither, itself, perfection impossible (proving me, perhaps, passably wise)

would this seem, to me, surely, were it meant for just any one --

this, that I am compelled, yet again, (yet again!) to revise --

no, nor, if’t seemed even half so literally incapable of being done.

Knowing this is no help at all, notwithstanding my knowing it well;

that-and-a-phone-call is calling you; you who first proved to me someone could care,

could love, without twisting that love to force, or defraud, or compel,

that Love is in fact not about proof at all ;  love is about being there --

-- & about patience, & listening. Well. Because this verse but begins what I would you are due;

Because would I could wield for my own godchildren my Love with your skill;

Because intention emulates the there whose first being I learned through you,

or should I say, thought I had learned — or "wanted to”? — or  "am still”?

-------------------------------   & maybe, just maybe -- is it really so much?

I might — finally — have learned about — staying — in touch.

Tolling, Or, Self Portrait With Recent Death

 

Occasioned by another death due to medical error of someone close to me.

Wishing I could cry.

DIY Heart Repair (Or, Even Now Someone Is Somewhere Daydreaming — About You): an instructable in verse

...wondering if I could explain how I did it, hoping to be understood

DIY Heart Repair

or, Even Now Someone Is Somewhere Daydreaming — About You

an instructable in verse

O being human hurt  O bitter fool in pain 

You who saw too much to want to ever see again

Perhaps a harmless riddle can distract you from your fear:

The heart was once named courage. Suppose yours wasn’t broken bad —

As an experiment. What if things — weren’t — quite as sad 

— they might not be as sad as they could be — dear —

Sincere, perhaps unsure, this sometimes cure, if practicéd as Art

can make the ugly weight of loneliness stop fucking with your heart

trade any sweeping gesture for a kinder patient touch

As choices become habit, so is Fate reborn today

lo — que será, será — no es siempre porque

— because — what will be will be— not so much

Your fantasies, your thoughts,  let them loyal serve your Will

This world is vaster & more intricate than it ever has been full

& —What will be, might just — be what — could

y— que será, será — lo que — se podría

a veces el milagro que suceda debería

Let Love’s sometimes miracle happen as it should

But beware! You’ll find this skill’s best reach effective shown & actual,

Be sure in mind to well test each selected counterfactual

If your virtue & your patience be but unafraid — & true —

You’ll find the holy secret is in how to learning tell

seem from seeing — be from being —  knowing well

the only one who you can trust to be that brave is you

the quick smart friend will have jumped over another lazy birthday, great!

the quick smart friend will have jumped over another lazy birthday! great!

any/all answers available alternately as analogy / aphorism/ apostrophe / algorithm: ask & accquire

let local largely lighthearted lassaiz-faire layabouts lecture

any advice advertised as at all adventurous appears attractive, albeit as an afterthought.

so, sunshine, such shall seem, somehow scarcely serious, somewhat secretly swank,

kismet’s key : kiss kittens knowing kitty kinks; keep knowledge kosher, keep kindred kind;  kybosh knotty kerfuffles

an authoritative attack (artificial, actual) after all actually attenuates aforementioned absolute assumptions

yesterdays yoga yields yawning yellowing yearning yammering  years. yet  you’re young; yes, youthful.  yay: yipee., yum.

after all, animated, & adored, all  aspirsants acknowledge & acqire atavistic attributes, 

mishandling mental mirrors made mystery much more mundane, made mastery much more mysterious, made melodrama multiply 

any articulate artist’s assumed actualized, authoritative,  an arbiter affecting admittedly academic aristocracy’s æsthetic authrenticity 

darling, don’t despair, don’t doubt: depression deteriorates, decays, draws dull dying days determinedly down.  demand 

all available ablebodied angels adjacent accommodate, attend, & affectionately administer agreeable assistance as appropriate.

Because I Love You, That Dream Again (Or, Happy ever sometime after) | a poem by a Faust

 

Because I Love You, That Dream Again

(Or, Happy ever sometime after)

when i at times deny some things in phrases 

that are also implying their truthfulness 

by the very fact, the natural meaning, the denial

sometimes i then retry the same dumb things in phases 

but i am falsely reviling their usefulness 

why i am  lacking the eyes to match the feeling of my smile

because i love you

that dream again

in the universe next door

in the world of forms above

where things in themselves know just what to say

where love is always love

i 'm dreaming that dream again 

that sometime happy ever after 

the dream where everything is nice

the dream i cannot help but must refrain

the most imperative categorical ever 

demanding use of passive voice

it must be given freely yes 

for your listening is freely best 

for you —to  most naturally — agree

it must of course be your idea

 per corporis sanguinem non meae Lamiae 

neque pythonissam  Medea

but i fear you’ve grown to hate  - my voice -

i fear you’ll think my tone to be - complaining -

that would more than a pity be a sin

i’m afraid i’ have to start again

to try to tell you of the dream 

that i want you so to want the knowing, 

are you asking? are you asking? 

really asking? 

really?

its… 

the thing that keeps me going

the dream i dare not voice

the dream i cannot tell you plainly

because this has to be your choice

and chosen healthily and sanely

i almost dream that dream again that most happy ever after 

would you believe the thing that i want more than any any thing 

is to hear you need to speak the sacred truth from the fullness of your heart 

is to see you silent & still can be or bear to be no longer

lest your silence decieve me into believing

you endorsed a bad way a bad me 

that you would let me go on wrongheaded

i think —  or am i — just stubborn — 

thick headed  i want to be loved as the me i made myself 

jaw sticking out to be loved as i love

but first i must be loved

it must one day be that i will heap up out of the small things of myself 

something tall enough and great enough

that you couldn’t bear for me to think it, the very possibility anathema

upon hearing it decribed it moves you to negate

& o how i long to hear you negate the thing that i most fear

don’t understand why i’m so wrong 

i  hate failing when i’m maybe almost there

there where you let yourself dare to not stop yourself where 

you let yourself care enough to change my mind

care enough to let the edge be rough when you  know the heart & soul is kind