Finding Mine, Or, Lengths Versus Distance, Part Two

Finding Mine

Or, Lengths Come From Versus Distance Out

a poem by a Faust

I have jumped from the twentieth floor.

I have walked weeping, alone, to get lost in the rain:

In unison derided, have not hidden my pain;

among the indifferent, the diffident, have been different, sane. 

Taught to pray fearful, taught myself to pray grateful.  Over, over again,

out there before God & everyone, have caught myself, all along,

-- & if one day I know better, let this verse be my song --

deciding for no good enough reason to decide myself wrong

when sometimes some things just need to be looked at some more.

Lest fœtid perfidy sidle up to me, wetly grinning for its due,

peremptorily I'll leave -- & forcédly -- any Face of me unsaved: to follow, or lead, or,

better understand than demand when I'm needed as leader.

No flaunting nor hiding. No leveraging either.

Because becoming the person I'd very much rather

the thing worth all this working, & working, & working until

-- will at least -- surely -- have to have -- gotten easier still --

if I thought I could tell if I knew what I will

won't or can't do when I need me to.

Which I will when I won't when I want what I will.

The which one of me's me, then, surely being the kicker,

if I stand up too fast, could I be even quicker?

if I'm shock proof, determined, however pricey the sticker,

camelback then unbroken, chaining patience to care

to remember to begin to follow on up out of where

so ever through valley from shadow it leadeth, to dare

to find out one day maybe soon -- myself -- already there,

maybe to find myself soon out there already still.